00064: Being Petty

Lately I’ve been incredibly quiet. I’ve kept myself from socializing and engaging with my inner and outside worlds.

I have, for example, stop posting things on my social media outlets. My last post on Instagram was on April 30. My last post on Twitter was May 10, and that was just a link to my blog, the same link I posted on my Facebook page on April 27.  The only humans I have been actively talking to are my husband, our housemate, my neighbor, my sister in Mexico, and my mamá and brothers. Of course, my boss and a couple of co-workers because it’s necessary.

Those who have known me for a long time know that I’m not this quiet, especially on social media. But right I’m keeping to myself, and while doing so, I’m realizing that I’m always the one taking the first step when engaging with others. I’m the one who calls; I’m the one who invites people to go out or come over; I’m the one who sends emails, text messages, and engages with others through Facebook, Instagram, twitter, and whatever other social media outlet I use. But when I stop doing that, those people, those friends, those colleagues who I engaged with, do not reach out to me. This realization makes me sad. 

I have three close friends. We talk, we chat, and we communicate on a regular basis. But since I stopped communicating back in March, none of them has made the effort to reach out. I have reached out to them, though. I called them and I texted them (more than once.) I was able to talk with one of them but that was a month ago. The other two both said they would call/text later. It’s been three weeks. 

This pandemic has been an emotional, physical, psychological, burden for all of us. All of us have been affected by it in one way or another. So maybe my three friends are struggling too. I don’t know. I wish I knew. What I do know is that since I stopped being the instigator of our communication, they have not reached out. Bastards! 

One thing I’ve been doing is creating one-minute TikTok videos, but those videos have been created for people who are into BL Dramas. I don’t know those people and I don’t engage with them beyond the “thank you” and the “I agree” comments. The videos seems to serve as an escape to me, and they are so foreign from my real life that I don’t share them in my other social media outlets… weird. 

My lack of social engagement has a lot to do with what I have been experiencing in the last eight months due to the COVID-19 pandemic. And while going through it, I’m realizing that the people I wish will engage with me are not taking the initiative to do so, unless I make it happen. That is disappointing. But I won’t reach out. I was the one who did it last. I want to figure out how long will it take them to reach out, if at all. Yes, I’m behaving immaturely, like a child, or maybe not. One thing’s for sure: I’m being petty. Sue me! #carlosmanuelspeaksthetruth.